When I asked her for a reference, her reaction blew me away

When I asked her for a reference, her reaction blew me awayWhen I asked her for a reference, her reaction blew me awayHeres an easy way to turn dreaded employment networking into deadly effective bondingWhen youre networking, ask for a reference, not a job. Whether youre doing catch-up drinks or grabbing lunch to reconnect, your primary need is to get an ally, not a tally of job listings. Recruiting a helping kralle to your search is your goal.So dont ask your college friend if she knows of any jobs for people like you. How would she?And dont ask your boss from two jobs ago if she has the names of any people who are currently looking to hire somebody like you. It puts her on the spot. Uncomfortably.No, instead, ask for a reference. Mention that youre going to be moving on, or youre already looking, or that youre actively out on the street. Let them know the type of positions you are and are not suited for, and what youre hoping to achieve in your next opportunity.And then ask them if when it gets to that happy place in your search if it would be OK to use them as a reference.By not putting them on the spot about specific job openings, you reduce the awkwardness inherent in the networking conversation.And by letting them know that you hold them in high enough esteem to potentially use them as a reference, youre actually paying them a compliment.Youre also making it easier for them to say yes, and to feel good about themselves for being a good friend and helping you out with a little favor.All of which means that you have a new buddy in your search one whos going to be thinking about keeping an eye out for new opportunities and an ear open for fresh possibilities for their reference-able friend you.Its wins and grins all around.Now, this doesnt work for just any old partie you meet on the street. Theres probably a pretty good match between people youd take to lunch and those you could ask to be a reference. So my advice would be to stick to asking those you kn ow well enough.Being realistic, the widely offered and deeply wrong advice from the past decade that you should try to extract favors, concessions, names, jobs, and career assistance from people youve only met over the phone is not only useless, it can be counterproductive to your aims by antagonizing your broader network.By making your networking about compliments, youll find it pays dividends.Good luck in the search this week